Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
